Babies on the brain (it's not what you think)...

Well. Maybe it's what you think. This post is not meant to offend any of my awesome friends with children or with ones on the way. It's only my view of my life in comparison.

A few nights ago, I woke up (mentally woke up, not physically) and realized I was having a dream that I was in labor. Scary, right? It wasn't. Perhaps it's because I knew I was in the middle of a dream, so it wasn't real, but who knows. So I woke up, completely calm, but feeling my insides trying to escape. Somehow I knew that I was giving birth. But then I woke up the rest of the way and the entire scenario dissipated. I'm sure more was going on, but I never remember the sleeping parts.

I think I had this dream because I know so many people right now who are pregnant. Two of my cousins (one for the 2nd time and one on her first!), my sassy roomie from KSU, my dear FOXFIRE sister, an adorable pixie from film class, and my CO conspirator's cousin. Not to mention my friends from school who already have a kid, and of course my ridiculously cute goddaughter :-).

If they aren't pregnant, they are married, and if they aren't married, they are engaged to be married. They being at least 90% of the people I associate with. And most of these people are about my age. What I find so odd is that I'm not really in that phase yet, and it's not really what I think about. Yes, I have a long-term boyfriend whom I am crazy about, and yes, it's nice to think about getting engaged or married or what-have-you (I am a sap, I admit it!), but aside from living in the same state as my significant other again, that is not my focus.

Some people just want a family, and that is their main goal in life. That is certainly an admirable goal, and I am not knocking it in the least. I just have never been the one to say that yes, I want a husband and yes I want kids and yes I want a house, etc. I didn't think like that as a kid, I didn't as a young adult, and I don't as an adult now. My goals are career-oriented. Almost everything I do is to better my future career. Right now I'm working on an accounting degree so that I can combine that with my editing and freelance writing to build a way for me to work on my own schedule, in my way and enjoy my life. Right now I know I will never be truly satisfied going to an office every day, though that could change if I were to work for a company that is in line with my own beliefs (ie a horse farm, rescue, or animal publication). But even then, I'm not sure I can throw myself into that kind of work. I'm happy to work 80 hours a week on something I love, but I'd need it to be outside or with animals, not stuck at a desk. Who knows though. If it's my own making, I might be all right with it.

And the rambling got a hold of me there...

In any case, I don't know many people who are as career-driven as I am. I want to work, and I don't mind it feeling like work, but I want it to matter. Everyone I know is still figuring things out or in a completely different mode than I am in, which is not a bad thing at all, it's simply that I know very few around me who are fighting the same fight, so to speak. I know what I want, I know that there are dozens of outlets for what I want, and I'm going to hunt these outlets down until I make my kill. There's a terrible metaphor for you.

Ooohhh...today should be terrible metaphor day!

Or possibly ADD day, since clearly I can't keep on track.

Regardless, I think my mode is so clear to me right now that it's difficult for me to answer questions about the future, family, "settling down," etc. I simply don't have the brain capacity for that right now. I have career-mode tunnel vision, and the future is comprised of me creating a career that I can happily live with, and until I get to that point, I can't see outside my tunnel (horrible metaphor number two).


image by Emma Bell-Scott

*I am currently craving a hot plate of good ol' mac and cheese. Too bad I don't have any!