There are days when I am very happy without knowing why. Days when I am happy to be alive and breathing, when my whole being seems to be one with the sunlight, the color, the odors, the luxuriant warmth of some perfect sunny day. I live for these days, and on these days I like to wander alone into strange and unfamiliar places.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Babies on the brain (it's not what you think)...

Well. Maybe it's what you think. This post is not meant to offend any of my awesome friends with children or with ones on the way. It's only my view of my life in comparison.

A few nights ago, I woke up (mentally woke up, not physically) and realized I was having a dream that I was in labor. Scary, right? It wasn't. Perhaps it's because I knew I was in the middle of a dream, so it wasn't real, but who knows. So I woke up, completely calm, but feeling my insides trying to escape. Somehow I knew that I was giving birth. But then I woke up the rest of the way and the entire scenario dissipated. I'm sure more was going on, but I never remember the sleeping parts.

I think I had this dream because I know so many people right now who are pregnant. Two of my cousins (one for the 2nd time and one on her first!), my sassy roomie from KSU, my dear FOXFIRE sister, an adorable pixie from film class, and my CO conspirator's cousin. Not to mention my friends from school who already have a kid, and of course my ridiculously cute goddaughter :-).

If they aren't pregnant, they are married, and if they aren't married, they are engaged to be married. They being at least 90% of the people I associate with. And most of these people are about my age. What I find so odd is that I'm not really in that phase yet, and it's not really what I think about. Yes, I have a long-term boyfriend whom I am crazy about, and yes, it's nice to think about getting engaged or married or what-have-you (I am a sap, I admit it!), but aside from living in the same state as my significant other again, that is not my focus.

Some people just want a family, and that is their main goal in life. That is certainly an admirable goal, and I am not knocking it in the least. I just have never been the one to say that yes, I want a husband and yes I want kids and yes I want a house, etc. I didn't think like that as a kid, I didn't as a young adult, and I don't as an adult now. My goals are career-oriented. Almost everything I do is to better my future career. Right now I'm working on an accounting degree so that I can combine that with my editing and freelance writing to build a way for me to work on my own schedule, in my way and enjoy my life. Right now I know I will never be truly satisfied going to an office every day, though that could change if I were to work for a company that is in line with my own beliefs (ie a horse farm, rescue, or animal publication). But even then, I'm not sure I can throw myself into that kind of work. I'm happy to work 80 hours a week on something I love, but I'd need it to be outside or with animals, not stuck at a desk. Who knows though. If it's my own making, I might be all right with it.

And the rambling got a hold of me there...

In any case, I don't know many people who are as career-driven as I am. I want to work, and I don't mind it feeling like work, but I want it to matter. Everyone I know is still figuring things out or in a completely different mode than I am in, which is not a bad thing at all, it's simply that I know very few around me who are fighting the same fight, so to speak. I know what I want, I know that there are dozens of outlets for what I want, and I'm going to hunt these outlets down until I make my kill. There's a terrible metaphor for you.

Ooohhh...today should be terrible metaphor day!

Or possibly ADD day, since clearly I can't keep on track.

Regardless, I think my mode is so clear to me right now that it's difficult for me to answer questions about the future, family, "settling down," etc. I simply don't have the brain capacity for that right now. I have career-mode tunnel vision, and the future is comprised of me creating a career that I can happily live with, and until I get to that point, I can't see outside my tunnel (horrible metaphor number two).


image by Emma Bell-Scott

*I am currently craving a hot plate of good ol' mac and cheese. Too bad I don't have any!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Additions to my Pillow Book

Things that empower me:
*Unifying with Toby's 1200 pounds as we move around the ring.
*Solving a math problem using logic.
*Having someone ask me for help.
*The thought of survival; I am here, I am doing this, and I am happy.

Things that curl my toes:
*Sour lemon sorbet.
*Hot sand, hot sun, and a condensation covered drink.
*Pressure on my collarbone.

Things I want to fix:
*Disorganized kitchen pantries.
*Friends in pain.
*Unprecedented inequality.

Things I need regularly:

*Exhaustion.
*Blatant shows of affection.
*Chocolate...texture rich and decadent.
*New challenges.

Things I wish I were, but am not:
*Always honest (particularly with myself).
*Humorous.
*Superwoman...cape, tights, and all.
*Modern.


image by positively present

I often feel I've lived before,
Sheltered from the rain.
I recall the prick of every drop,
But nothing of the pain.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Adaptability

Oops. It's been over a month since my last post! I can legitimately blame it on being busy (excuses, excuses).

For those of you who don't know, I've started school (again). I'm working on an Associates in Accounting so that I can take advanced courses in the future and possibly become an enrolled agent or take the CPA (possibly). I am also taking these classes with the thought of starting my own business (likely animal or publishing-related) one day.

So now I am working full-time, going to school full-time, keeping up with my half-marathon training, conditioning Toby, writing, taking care of my pups, and attempting to be social now and then. So if I don't respond to contacts right away, gently remind me again that you're still around.


And on to the topic at hand...

It amazes me how adaptable we are. Our bodies are constantly adapting to accommodate environmental, physical, and mental changes occurring every day. We adapt without meaning to, often without wanting to. Why are so many of us resistant to change when change is an ongoing process that is inescapable? Perhaps it's the predictability we want to avoid...at least the predictability of change, like knowing you have to go grocery shopping but wanting to avoid it. Of course, then you go hungry.

What do we do when we don't/can't adapt? What does this do to our creativity? Do we have to adapt to everything? Doesn't something constant define us more than something changeable? I'm honestly not sure. I want need must but can't adapt to contentedness in the moment. Not to say I'm never happy, but I get restless in my perpetual state of now.

It's odd when you dread something, only to realize you're used to it, and you wonder when that adaptation occurred. Yes, it was surely a gradual process, but when was that moment when your body and mind unified in thought and breathed out an agreement of change. The body/mind adapt and then make this change (which, at this point, is not longer a change but is now a constant) normal.

I will say that adaptation is the process of making the irregular, regular; turning a change into a constant. Adaptation is a cater-cousin defamiliarization. Though defamiliarization makes the normal appear strange, adaptation finds the strange and studies it to make it ordinary. I don't believe the two to be opposites, though they may seem that way. Both observe oddity to better understand its source.



image courtesy of Flickr and Mr. Cousins