A Few Notes

An interesting personal quiz:

1) Let's start with something typical-what is your favorite color? Why is it your favorite?
Deep blue is my favorite color because it's both soothing and mysterious. Plus, I think it looks nice against my pale skin and eyes.

2) What do you think is your strongest trait?
I suppose that would be my ability to find a solution to almost any problem. If I take the time to think about it, I can always figure it out.

3) What is your greatest fear (that is not a phobia)?
Failure. Having others see me fail. I don't claim to be perfect, but I don't want to be known for what I did wrong.

4) What do you want most out of life right now?
I want the year to pass quickly so that I can start a new "chapter" in my life. I'm ready for another big change and new challenges.

5) What other culture most fascinates you?
Native American culture has always been of interest to me, though I don't know a lot about it. I think it's their spirituality and after death beliefs that most intrigue me.

6) What is your worst vice?
I guess my temper? I can be mean when I'm angry, and I keep anger in until it boils over and I explode.

7) What is something about yourself that you would never change, even if it's been known to get you into trouble?
That would definitely be my tenacity. I don't like to give up, and sometimes it gets me in trouble because I don't know when to quit, but I'm learning...

8) What is something you wish you could change about yourself, but have not been able to?
I wish I could be happy being still more often, but I seem to thrive on running ahead full throttle until I crash. Then I have to recover, and it starts all over again.

9) What is a food you find comforting?
A tall caramel macchiato. The tastes, warmth, and caffeine soothes me. Ahhhh.

10) How do you expel anger or frustration?
Screaming, crying, or running. Ha ha ha.

11) What is one thing you wish to accomplish in the next five years?
Publish something more than just a short story or article. I'd like to say start my own business too, but we'll see!

12) Name one talent you have that people might not be aware of.
Hm. That's tough since I like to make my talents known. I suppose that would be my ability to pick up music and play it by ear rather than by reading music. I'm horrible at reading music!

13) Name one thing you wish you were good at, but are not.
Cooking. I always screw something up. Sigh.

14) What can make you laugh, no matter your mood?
Pumba rolling around on her back. And poufy Pekingese dogs running around. They look like little ottomans!

15) Name a movie, book, and song that brings about happy memories.
In Good Company, The Little Princess, and Perfect (by the Smashing Pumpkins).

Go ahead...you know you want to.



Image courtesy of P.M. Hedén.

Stillness: Art at its Purest

Lately, I've felt the need for more structure in my life (forgetting that I work 8:30 to 5 and follow a strict running and writing schedule). I think I am yearning for creative structure, which might very well only exist outside grippable realms.

I sought structure in art. My hands wanted an occupation that veered away from the constant tapping of the keys. And so, I thought, I'll paint! My mother paints, my bestie paints, J paints, and I have multiple friends who knit, draw, or create things. Not stories, but actual, tangible objects. Perhaps I'm seeking tangibility and not necessarily structure. I want to see success rather than just feel it or logically know it's there.

I didn't know I had these thoughts until I typed them out.

So I tried painting. Socially, it is a fun task. But still a task, not a soothing outlet or creative expression. I gave it another whirl, but it felt like work. While I don't view art as non-work (because it is work! Oh it is!), I find it to be an extraction or release of inner thought, which (in my opinion) should be enjoyable. Especially if the intention is to use the painting as an outlet. My hands are not equipped to glide a paintbrush, and I must strive for imperfection in order to accept that the results will not be perfect. While I have an eye for color and arrangement, I do not possess that talent that translates depth to paper or other medium. It is unfortunate because I can see the difference and know how it should look. It's like searching for a word that you know, but not being able to get it quite right. You know it's wrong, but you don't know how to fix it.

I simply have no patience for hands on creation. I like to work with my hands, but not necessarily to make things. I suppose I prefer to maintain them? I think that's the right word...

What I'm trying to get at here is that art is different for everyone. I think art is when you experience a stillness that causes you to think only about the present. Not even the present, but about the art itself. Art is that which reminds you of nothing else. For example, music is my art, my stillness.

I listen to songs I love, and there is nothing else. My favorite songs do not make me think of other songs or stories or pictures or situations or anything...they simply exist to me as a fragment of stillness.

I can become lost in a song.

It's a different type of stillness than a quiet, early morning on a mountain peak. A great line from a book or essay might have the same effect, but eventually those lines make me think, which leads to other thoughts and soon the stillness is only a gossamer strand of the past.

Music is the stillness that sticks, even if only for the length of the song. I wonder if this is why I feel I need music in my ears while I write. Do I crave the stillness of a song to calm my thoughts? I've always used music to block out worldly noises, but perhaps it triggers a stillness in my thought that I attempt to channel into my writing.

I think I'll experiment: writing w/ music vs. writing w/out.

And no more hands on art for me. It's just not my style.

My Pillow Book

Do you ever mention something that either disturbs you or makes you giddy, and you get that breadbox look (breadbox = the expression a breadbox could make = none)? This happens to me frequently. So, I've come up with my own Pillow Book of oddities.

Taste-bud Joys
*A particularly sweet fuji apple, with a smear of peanut butter.
*Slightly melted M&Ms.
*The first foamy sip of a caramel macchiato.
*The perfect grilled cheese sandwich, just browned, with sourdough, cheddar, tomato, and garlic.
*Red velvet.

Shards of Disturbance
*Squeaky brakes.
*Random wall vibrations.
*An unexpected taste.
*Suddenly expired batteries.

Instant Happiness
*When a driver understands and follows the meaning of a yield sign.
*Smiling and receiving a genuine smile in return.
*The last stretch of a long run.
*Puppies. Puppy smell. Puppy teeth. Puppy paws.
*Kissing the top of a horse's nose.

Things I Didn't Know I Missed Until I Had it Back
*Dirty knuckles from riding a horse.
*My AWP.
*Deep, uninterrupted sleep.
*Sanity.
*Colorado.

I'm sure I will add to this later, but for now, there you go readers. What's in your Pillow Book?



I <3 my "backyard."