Love Fest

I am ill-prepared for this. This kind of...haunting. I say haunting because to me that word means a lingering feeling that does not manifest or become tangible, but it's noticeably there, like an invisible hand on my shoulder. I am haunted by a variety of complex love. It's almost painful to love like this and still have more to give.

I love my life.

I love the endless things that make me happy.

I love...

1. Waking up to a snow-covered morning.
2. Being the first one on a trail for the day.
3. Blue sky.
4. Fresh-baked banana nut muffins.
5. Random, I'm thinking about you texts.
6. Singing in the car.
7. The smell of a horse's muzzle.
8. The feeling of skin after a sugar scrub.
9. Back rubs.
10. Smoke curling out of chimneys.
11. Grey sweaters.
12. <3
13. Knowing the mountains are west, whether I can see them or not.
14. Smooth plane landings.
15. Caramel macchiatos.
16. Moccasins.
17. Clinking of masts on the lake.
18. The texture of book pages.
19. Soup and a warm baguette.
20. Fixing something with my own hands.
21. Pausing to enjoy the moment.
22. Bathing suits.
23. Sentimental knick-knacks.
24. The smell of pine trees.
25. Holidays.
26. Baby animals.

27. Blankets.
28. Bear hugs.
29. Watching break-dancing.
30. When Pumba bird-calls.
31. A healthy argument.
32. Weird bruises.
33. Nice people.
34. Finding my way.
35. Real movies, with endings that simply taper off rather than tie everything up.
36. Waterfalls.

37. Kissing.
38. Cupcakes.
39. Cards in the mail.
40. Healing wounds.
41. Fuji apples.
42. Board games.
43. Being obsessed with a song, and listening to it on repeat.
44. Flirting.
45. Righting a wrong.
46. Enjoying being lost.
47. Short dresses.
48. Being sore after a workout.
49. Remembering wisps of a dream.
50. Great-fitting jeans.
51. When it's cold, so I can get warm.
52. Affligem Blond.
53. Trusting someone.
54. Finding friends for life.
55. Horses running.
56. Re-reading childhood books.
57. Making someone smile.
58. Stone bridges.
59. Over-sized easy chairs.
60. Feeling as if you matter.
61. Sudden rainstorms.
62. The Giver.

63. Ridiculously soft sheets.
64. Cribbage.
65. Writing a particularly good sentence.
66. Black and white photos.
67. Contradictions.
68. Sailing.
69. First stretches of the morning.
70. Fire opals.
71. Garlic Parmesan fries.
72. Winning.
73. Songs that make you feel.
74. Sunrise.
75. Being tired for a good reason.
76. Wordplay.
77. Connections.
78. Snowflakes on eyelashes.
79. Schaudenfraude when deserved.
80. Roses.

81. Bombing jokes.
82. Being able to believe, just because.
83. Ryan Reynolds.
84. The idea of reincarnation.
85. Madrid.
86. Giving into a craving.
87. Old English.
88. Cute boys.
89. Secrets.
90. Having my hair brushed of my forehead.
91. Italian accents.
92. Overcoming a fear.
93. That's what she said.
94. The number 17.
95. Deja vu.
96. Feeling powerful.
97. Hot tubs.
98. Shakespeare.
99. Smiling when alone.
100. Laughing out loud.
101. ...and so many more...

New year, new...

Helloooo 2011.

What is the significance of a new year? It's just more days, laid out, one after another, same as before but always different. It's an excuse in the horizon..."this year I'll..." and having to remember to write another set of digits at the end of a date that we're not used to.

But I suppose with a new year, you can officially label all things of the previous year in the past. Last year is so much further in the past than yesterday, or last week, or last month. Last year sounds more foreign, and the events of such smear together. Of course, there are always those events that still stick out and play repeatedly in your mind, sometimes annoyingly so. 2010 gave me quite a few of these memories, both good and bad, but I'm taking them all as good. At least, I am now!

2010 highlights:
*Getting out of a bad relationship: even though I still regret I didn't get to pull the plug.
*Starting a new job that I love and plan to stick with for a long time. It's a relief to not dread going to work every day, and even though there will always be rough days, the times where I get to make a difference (cheesy as that sounds) give me the energy to keep going.
*Running a 5k, a 10k, and then a half-marathon within two months of each other. I think the half-marathon suits me!
*Figuring out what I want out of life. Certain aches make me realize what is most important to me, and now I can set my sights on making sure I fulfill these needs.
*Getting Toby back in shape and back to jumping: riding is true therapy for me.
*Realizing that I have an amazing group of friends. Both here and elsewhere, my eclectic bunch of friends are truly family to me, and it's exciting to be gaining more.

2011 plans:
*Running at least three half-marathons this year.
*Hopefully getting picked to run the Dipsea in California.
*Re-writing my novel: last year's schedule got supremely upset by events and reorganization, but I'm set to be back on track now.
*Spending more time with my amazing friends and remembering that I enjoy being non-reclusive more often that I realize.
*Fully embracing my new job as a career, and doing my best to make us top notch.
*Taking more risks and challenges aside from the every day: ie not being afraid to fail.

So there you go readers. If you see me slacking off, call me out on it!

<3 to all,

E

Friendship

It feels like only a few days ago that I realized Christmas was a month away. And...now it's gone? I can't even distinguish individual events from that past month: only frames, cut from the film on auto-play. I've had the pleasure of hanging out with friends every weekend and some during the week. Sometimes I forget how fun (not to mention healthy and stimulating) that can be. My friends have really gotten me through a roller coaster of a year. It's easy to forget how important they are, but when you need them, and they come running, it reminds you just how much you need them. And I happen to have the most incredible group of friends that I've picked up over the years.

I have my other half, my go to for everything, without whom I'd not be me. She's mad for me when I can't be, always tells me what she really thinks, is the mother of my beautiful goddaughter, and wife to someone I consider family. I can tell her absolutely anything, no matter how horrid.

There's my ever-optimistic, practical dreamer, who could have the worst day and still come home smiling. She knows how to enjoy life, how to listen, and how to be there for a friend in need.

My melancholy kindred spirit I miss dearly. The most understanding and quiet character, but with a temper that rivals the Furies.

I have another breed of kindred spirit who seems to see me for who I am. He has a relaxed confidence and the enviable quality of not caring what people think, but in a way that isn't egotistical or selfish.

My yearning artist, head in the clouds, feet on the ground. He is always up for a though-provoking discussion and has a whip of a sense of humor. 

There's the quizzical intellect, more determined that anyone I've met, but yet, will drop it all to help a friend in need. He never asks for anything from anyone, but will give without hesitation.

If there ever were still waters that run deep, then she swims them daily. She has more brains and talent than she knows what to do with and is both perceptive and thoughtful. 

I also have a newer friend, growing moreso a friend as the days pass. She is a balance of artistic and grounded, introspective and extroverted, and more importantly is a complete delight to converse with.

And then there are my latest additions, new and still developing, but what a lot they are. Different backgrounds, different goals, but shared interest. These I hope to foster and keep.

I'm lucky to have each one of these people in my life, not to mention all of those who come with them and many more I've encountered. Never before have I felt so welcome amongst groups of people.

I don't know where I'd be without my friends. I can't quite express how much they each mean to me, but I can offer my thanks and hope to be as good a friend to them as they are to me.

It's that time of year again?

Holy crapping reindeer! Christmas is once again, just a few weeks away. I missed Thanksgiving...not really sure what went on there, but it just slipped right by me. As has much these past few weeks, well months really. I feel like I'm in the middle of a hurricane personified. My to-do list is growing, but I can't seem to get things checked off fast enough.

I did finally start my Christmas shopping (now I say finally because last year I was done at the beginning of November...and by done I mean I didn't have to shop anymore...but that never stops me). A lot of things just fell into place on that particular list this year, but I'm still debating over some other stuff. I wandered through the mall, and let me tell you how much it sucked to see stuff to get for someone who is no longer in my life. Dammit! It make me convulse in anger. I am still so, so angry. I guess that's why when a friend wanted me to meet one of his friends, I said no. Have anger, will not travel.

Despite that, I'm making lists of things I want to cook and marking my calendar for dates when my family will visit and when I'll get together with some old friends. This is the only time of year when a city is appealing to me because the lights outline the buildings and wreathes are on every streetlamp and the smell of fires and cinnamon and ginger is in the air. And snow dusts the ground...right? Hear that Colorado? I said SNOW dusts the ground? Where are we on that?

Now that I've said that it will probably blizzard...or else go back to the 70s out of spite. Oh well. I'll take what I can get.

I have not decorated yet. This was my first weekend in six weeks that I was not only off of work, but alone. Not that I didn't adore having company (I did!!!), but that combined with weeks of working 6 or 7 days while trying to keep up with rest and such really did me in. I haven't had time lately to be alone and in my own thought. It's been a great distraction, but I feel like I've forgotten how to be alone and comfortable in my own thoughts, and I really need to get back to enjoying listening to myself think (in the least narcissistic way possible). I've worn myself out for the past few months to keep from thinking too much, but it's time to get back to it. Even reading my blogs from earlier in the year or last year, I can hear the difference in my thought pattern. My thoughts then were freer, more contemplative, whereas currently they are scattered and existing in the now, as I scramble to hang onto it all.

See? Here I was talking about Christmas and then I'm just rambling about my internal diatribe...which has been oddly colorful lately (I usually think/dream in black and white)...
...back to Christmas...

I read the most wonderful quote about Christmas:

Christmas Eve was the time when everybody was unselfish. On that one night, Santa Claus was everywhere, because everybody, all together, stopped being selfish and wanted other people to be happy. And in the morning you saw what that had done.

To me, that's what Christmas is about...what great big things can happen when people come together. If I ever have a child, I will surely read them this bit (and a beer or cupcake to anyone who can tell me what that quote is from).

image from warwickwa.com

Get ready for some more Christmasy posts to follow, and please enjoy the season! It's just not worth being crabby about it.

Erin-truths

So I got bored and took some online quizzes. Sue me. But these are rather true. Happy Turkey Day!

Your Brain is Conceptual

You can't help but look at the big picture. You're good at putting things together. You think long term. You always have a vision for the future and an idea of how you want things to be. You are a very intuitive person. Even though you are constantly thinking, it feels like answers just appear for you. You enjoy a challenge, especially an intellectual one. You are constantly taking the initiative and pushing yourself.

What's Your Brain Like?

Blogthings: A Fine Line Between Insight and Stupidity

       

Your Home is Healthy

You believe it's important to take good care of yourself, and your home probably reflects your healthy lifestyle. You are likely to have a refrigerator full of fresh food and bookcase full of engaging books. You have a lot of fun in life, but your idea of fun is pretty unique. Working out and learning are fun for you. You could never feel at home in a sloppy or neglected house. You like to keep things upbeat and tidy.

The Homebody Test

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

       

You Are A Thoughtful Idealist

You are a bit tentative when it comes to new experiences. You have to push yourself to try new things, but once you do, you love the adventure. You like to think that people see you as intellectual and wise. You consider yourself to be very smart. You are a very romantic person. You can't help but see the world as it should be. Right now, you feel very trapped in your life. You often feel like there is no way out of your rut. Overall, your life is very peaceful - if not a little solitary. Much of what goes on goes on in your head. You feel like the fate of the future partially rests in your hands. You believe you need to help make the world a better place.

The Castle Personality Test

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

       

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperament Are You?

Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

       

So that's what it's like...

Tonight was the first time I've felt true gratitude from a job.

I've enjoyed my new job from day one, from the people to the purpose, but it wasn't until today that I truly felt like this is what I should be doing.  No, it's not glamorous, and yes, there are plenty of seemingly trivial or annoying duties I have to take care of. Yes, there are people who frustrate me and situations that make me cringe or make me angry and sad.

But this week I've been conversing with a client who has been trying everything imaginable to get his dog healthy again. He's seen specialists, spent quite a bit of money, and thought of the possibility that none of it would help his dog. I decided to give him a call tonight to check in and see how his dog was doing, and after a few updates, he thanked me profusely for calling and said "you guys are the best." I know the comment was not directed specifically at me, but it made my day to know that I helped someone feel a little bit better about his tough pet situation. I guess it really hit me because my pets are so important to me, and I know how I'd feel in his situation. I literally hung up the phone and burst into tears, partially out of gratefulness, partially out of sympathy, and partially out of feeling like I made a tiny difference.

It's amazing that something as simple as that makes my job completely worthwhile and fulfilling. I'm going to remember this when days get rough...or rather, ruff :-)

Wet little feet now cross my threshold

It wouldn’t have been true if she didn’t think it were. But she did, and so it was.

It was as true as a first snow, softly blanketing her mind and coating it in coldness. There is something so final about a first snow, perhaps because it signals the officiality of winter. No matter what time of year, when it snows, the season defaults to winter.

So when he told her, she believed him.

It was snowing that day.

Thank you snow...the anticipation is now at rest.