CrossFit High...and Low

I might be taking baby steps, but it's a lot of baby steps in different areas, so I'm pretty excited about it. I've come home from a few workouts recently on a total high, like a runner's high but longer-lasting.

I think the two big things that stand in my way are my lack of flexibility and self-doubt. Despite the baby steps forward, I don't know why I still doubt myself all the time. I am not that way at work, and I know myself well enough to know how I feel about stuff (so usually doubt is a sign that something's not right). So why here? I've confused nervousness with doubt in the past, and now I can tell the difference. It's a sequence of feelings...nerves start in the stomach and then get in my head, but doubt starts in the head and travels everywhere else. I hear the doubt more often these days, and I'm not sure why. I don't feel like I'm past my rut just yet, but at this point it's purely mental.

Each day I go in trying to adopt a can-do attitude, and then I start the doubting...mix that with excitement and happiness to be there and you've got yourself a weird combo of feelings. 

Talking out nerves helps me, rather than staying quiet. If I get the nerves out in the universe, I get them away from me. However, I've been doing that with the doubt, and that's not the way to get it out of my mind. What I need to do is just say (to myself)...well...what can I say? It's never easy or not-tiring or not-challenging...so I feel like a fake saying something to the effect of I'm going to kick this WODs ass. Let's be honest, it's my ass that always gets kicked (but isn't that the whole point?). So what can I say? I guess it's a confidence thing. Must work on it! So feel free (any of you) to tell me to shut up and get moving. I suppose I should focus on the things I am getting better at (and just keep practicing the rest). At least the flexibility I work on more easily (though not, I repeat NOT, less painfully). Boy am I pathetic when it comes to stretching. I get stuck more often that I care to admit. Will be adding morning and night stretches to my day, dog obstacles and all.

In other news, I am a bit nervous to see the results of this Paleo Challenge. I have lost a bit of weight (but that wasn't really the goal, and I don't care about that), but what I really want to see is a lower body fat percentage and more muscle definition. I think (THINK) I'm starting to see that...which is kinda cool. I actually thought my arm was swollen the other day, but actually that's some muscle popping through (yes...laugh it up). I just had never noticed it before, so it surprised me. And officially, my favorite pair of jeans does not fit well any more. Sadness. My hands have also healed up and no longer hurt just gripping the bar (woo!). I think they've toughened up more too.

As far as food goes, I'm back on track this week. I got a crock pot and now have no idea how I ever lived without one. Especially for someone who really struggles to prepare meat well (I panic and overcook it, just in case...it also skeeves me out to handle a lot, though I'm getting better). I got it and threw in a piece of beef with some onions and spices, left it overnight, and bam! Um...I wanted to eat the whole two pounds right then and there. Holy crap. Paired some shredded beef with green beans for dinner that night.

I attempted to make "red velvet" cupcakes with beets and applesauce...but they turned out funky. I mean...the texture was awesome, and I liked the icing (who knew cashews could turn into icing???), but they still tasted like...beets. And I like beets, BUT, I wanted a cupcake. I successfully made yellow paleo cupcakes, but these I'm going to have to work on. Oh well! Live and learn.

It looked better than it tasted

 I also made some keylime pie that did turn out pretty good (I just wanted a lime-ier kick, so I'll add more lime juice next time). Tried out a pumpkin chocolate and lemon-blueberry tart as well. The crusts I winged and used a mix of finely ground walnuts and some almond meal mixed with coconut oil, cinnamon, and nutmeg. The pumpkin chocolate version had no added sugar at all (no honey, agave, fruit, etc.), but then I threw a few dark chocolate chips on top. The lemon-blueberry had a tsp. of honey in it, as did the keylime.

Oh, and beet and sweet potato chips with babaganoush is about the best little snack ever (after apples with almond butter).

Not a whole lot else to report at this point. I'm signed up for the CrossFit Open, which starts February 22nd, and is five weeks long with a new WOD each week. I can post my scores and see how I compare to the rest of the country. Should be fun! I'm planning to attend the CrossFit Games in July (the culmination of the Open, after Regionals, etc.) in California to see those incredible athletes compete. I'm already itching to compete again, so this will be a blast!

And finally...a big thank you to my fellow cross-fitters...you all are an amazing group of people, and I look forward to seeing everyone at the gym (and outside it) each week. 

WODfest and the Halfway Point

It's been four weeks since I started the Paleo challenge, and this past week was rough. Due to WODfest last Saturday the 28th (more on that soon), I spent Sunday catching up on sleep and taking care of my poor, sore body. This means I did not cook at all, and therefore had little food ready for the week ahead. Saturday's eating threw off my pattern (I snacked minimally all day and feasted late), and I barely ate Sunday. The entire week consisted of me piecing together bits of food to form meals (kind of), and for whatever reason, I was starving all week, but nothing was appealing. Because of this, I found it hard to eat, but then I'd get so hungry I'd need something immediately, and I didn't have much prepared, so I got to the point of being too hungry to eat. It was a bad, cyclical combo.

Protein balls (popular snack at WODfest)

Not only that, but I didn't sleep well (or enough), and the one day I got to the gym, we did the death by pullups wod, and my hands hurt just touching the bar. I spent most of the time trying to tape up more, but by minute ten, I had ripped and had to stop. I did my own home WOD on Thursday since I didn't want to get stuck in the snowstorm, and that was decent (other than tripping over my jump rope and dogs) at least. By Saturday, I had called the week a wash and decided it would be better to start fresh on Monday. At least I made one good dish this week!

Beef, zucchini, sweet potato casserole

I'm not sure why this week was so rough for me. I think I was still a little let down from Saturday's competition and let that get to me more than I should have. The actual competition, being there, having others from D-Town competing, supporters showing up...all of that was wonderful. I'd spend every Saturday like that if I could. It made me miss all of the competitions I used to go to (swim meets, horse shows, softball games, etc.) and how much I enjoy competition. The only competitive events I've done in the last seven or so years have been running races, and I'm typically flying solo on those. I go, I run, I leave. I'm not much of a "stay for the after party" kind of girl when I came alone in the first place. Running is solitary for me, and I prefer it that way, so it's hard for me to switch gears and become social after a race. This competition though, was a chance to meet other CrossFitters and also hang with and cheer on my fellow D-Towners.

After seeing the workouts posted on Tuesday (the 24th), I spazzed, realizing that all of the workouts were similar and had some of my weakest skills in them. I went back and forth and back and forth, and back and forth again about dropping down to the scaled weight division (instead of the prescribed weight division that I was in). I wanted to be competitive, and I knew I wouldn't be in prescribed weight, but since I was already signed up for it, I felt like I would be chickening out or giving up by dropping down to scaled (even though scaled is still a hell of a workout and NOT easy). After sending some panicked texts, and having nightmares about the WODs, I decided to stay at prescribed weight (Rx) even though I knew I probably wouldn't finish the workouts in the time allowed. I felt like I had trained for a half-marathon, but was signed up for a marathon. By that Friday, I had relaxed (outwardly) about the whole ordeal and figured it wouldn't kill me, either way. I just didn't want to be the jackass who couldn't finish while everyone else is done. Trainers assured me that I would not be the only one struggling. HA! is what I thought.

I won't into major detail about each workout, but I started at 8:15 a.m, poorly warmed up and nervous as hell. This workout I thought I'd at least finish, but I got stuck on round one with repeated efforts that weren't counted (some rightly so). I will say that at least I didn't lose my cool. I stayed smiling instead of crying or yelling, and despite my shoulder screaming in pain, I kept going. That I can be proud of, but I'm not proud of how crappy my form was and how slowly I moved.

Eeekk!

My second workout, I hit the ground running and pushed from the beginning. I got stuck on ring dips, which I knew would happen, but dammit, I finished the first round of them at least. It was really frustrating to get so close to some reps but not be able to lock out my arms that last bit. I was trying to push myself, but every time I was not "ready" but went for it anyways, I failed, so I got incredibly frustrated. I went from upset to angry within two dips.

Awesome bruising from ring dips

I was not about to be no-repped on thruster

By the third workout (around 4:00 p.m.), I was spent. I did my wall climbs, surprisingly well, and then got stuck on pullups, only finishing one at a time instead of linking them.

All in all, I was disappointed with my overall performance. I know I pushed myself, but I feel like I did it at all the wrong times, and wasn't able to when it mattered. I was incredibly proud of my teammates though. It was amazing to watch them push and compete like the beasts that they are. I have the utmost respect for each of them for their abilities and efforts. We also had about 15 people from D-Town show up just to support us, which was incredible. I would not have been as "composed" (HA) as I was without having all of them there. We all went to dinner afterwards (Fogo de Chao, compliments of D-Town's owner), and again it was great to be around such a fantastic group.

 *So this week, I'm starting over again. I have food prepared, a shopping list, and four days signed up in the gym. I'm also trying to get running back in the mix since that hasn't happened much since I started CrossFit, and I miss it. Maybe that will help clear my head and get back on track. 


P.S. I finally got up enough balls to shave down my calluses so I don't tear so much at the gym. AGH! Freaks me out.

Paleo Foods and Recipes

Nearing the end of week three of this Paleo challenge, and I have tried so many new recipes that I just love...now why haven't I eaten like this before? I don't necessarily feel more energetic, but I don't get drained as easily (even on the really long days), and I will say my stomach definitely has not felt upset for any reason. I also haven't been letting myself get overly hungry, and when I do start getting hungry, I'm reaching for one of my many prepared snacks.

In particular, I am surprised how much I like the baked goods I've made. Not using mounds of sugar and bleached flour doesn't make things any less tasty, that's for sure! And if you know me, you know how much I love to bake, so quite a few of the new recipes are for baked goods.

A few of the recipes I will use repeatedly are:


No-Bake Protein Bars

2 cups nuts (I used almonds, macadamia, and hazelnuts)
1/2 cup flax seed
1/2 cup almond or sunbutter
1/2 cup pure whey
1/3 cup dried fruit
1 tsp sea salt
1/2 cup coconut oil
1 tbs vanilla

Put nuts, flax, sea salt in food processor and chop up (some big chunks remaining work well).
Melt coconut oil, almond butter, and vanilla together.
Pour the nut mixture into the melted oil/butter/vanilla and add whey and dried fruit.
Mix everything evenly and pour into a 10x8 inch (ish) pan.
Stick it in the fridge for an hour.

You can also add 1/2 cup shredded coconut, but my spin was adding 1/4 cup chopped, freeze-dried bananas.

If you want a chocolate kick, either add dark chocolate chips to the mix or melt some dark chocolate and coconut oil on the stove, pour over bars and cool in the fridge.

The bars will keep better in the fridge, but they travel fine without staying cool. They are great for a snack when you are on the go, and are easy to change up and create your own version.


For the baked version, simply add 3 eggs, 2 more tbs vanilla, 1/2 cup almond meal, and bake at 350 for 15 minutes. I like the no bake version better because they stay moist, whereas the baked ones tend to dry out.

These are more expensive to make (the nuts in particular are pricey), but they are definitely less expensive than buying your own protein bars! Plus, the recipe yields 12-18 bars, and are much healthier.

Zucchini Noodles

2 small zucchinis
1/4 tsp salt
3 eggs
1 tbs almond mealflour
1/2 tsp coconut oil
1 clove garlic

Julienne the zucchini and place in a colander or wire strainer and toss with the salt until coated. Allow to sit for 20 minutes to drain excess water, then rinse and pat dry with paper towels.

Heat a pan over medium-high heat. Mix the almond flour with the coconut oil, sprinkle it with a smidgen of salt, then sauté in the pan, stirring often with a wooden spoon, until it’s toasty brown, about 1 minute. Remove from pan and save for garnish.

Return the pan to the heat and add the zucchini noodles. Sauté until just tender, about 1-2 minutes. Push the noodles to the side of the pan, and reduce heat to medium-low. Wait a minute; it’s essential that the pan cools down before adding the eggs. Add the olive oil and garlic. When the garlic is fragrant, about 20 seconds, pour in the eggs and allow them to cook until just beginning to set a tiny bit. Mix the zucchini noodles into the egg and continue to stir gently and continuously until the egg is set and clinging to the noodles. Add the almond crumble mixture to the top and salt/pepper to taste. Fresh parsley is good on top too. This one is amazing...I do NOT miss pasta with this option lying around.

Buttery leeks with eggs

2 leeks
2 eggs
Bacon, sausage, or chicken
1 tbs coconut butter (could use real butter too)
1/2 tsp white pepper (or really any seasoning you like)

Cut leeks lengthwise and then in 1/2 inch segments. Melt butter in pan on stove (low-medium heat) and add leeks. Saute leeks for about 10 minutes until tender (not brown). Prepare eggs however you like them and add the white pepper to these (I prefer scrambled).


Put leeks down on a plate, add eggs on top, add meat on top of that, and indulge. I paired mine with some warm berries and walnut crumble.

Gingerbread Cake (this is a good splurge cake)


1 cup pumpkin (NOT pumpkin pie filling)
1 cup almond butter  
1/4 cup honey
1 tbs pure maple syrup
2 eggs
1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon cloves
1/4 teaspoon cardamom
1/2 teaspoon lemon zest

Melt the honey and almond butter together in a large bowl. Mix together and slowly add the rest of the ingredients. Mix until smooth. Bake in a cake pan (either round or 8x8) at 350 for about 25 minutes (make sure center is cooked all the way through).

If you're feeling like you need icing...


1/3 cup coconut butter
1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 tablespoon honey
1 tablespoon maple syrup
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Melt all ingredients in a small bowl and whisk (or use hand beater) until the mixture becomes whipped. Pour on top of cooled cake (the cake HAS to be completely cooled or else it will be a mess!) and garnish with walnuts or almonds or cinnamon or all of the above.

Egg Cupcakes

10 eggs
1 zucchini
1 cup spinach
1/2 cup meat of your choice (bacon or sausage is best)

Put zucchini and spinach in food processor and chop until fine. Pour into a bowl, add eggs, and whisk  together. Add meat of choice. Ladle mixture into a well-oiled cupcake tin (seriously...I oiled mine and these still stuck like crazy!), or use cupcake liners, at about 2/3 the way full. Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes. These can freeze and be reheated and you're more than welcome to experiment with veggies and spices!

All in all, I'm liking this style of eating. It's not nearly as limited as I had originally thought (in fact, I'm pretty sure you can find a way to make almost anything). They key is to prepare stuff ahead of time. So I've been spending my Sundays grocery shopping, prepping, and cooking for the week ahead.

  It makes for a cozy rest day :-)

Ready to cook/eat celery, bacon, radishes, leeks, turnips, and protein bars. 

I've also found some great recipe blogs that give me ideas, if nothing else, of foods and preparations to try. ChowStalker is great! Not all of the recipes are Paleo, but most are. This blog has some tasty recipes as well (where I got the gingerbread cake recipe).

Other things I've made include my own jerky (turned out better than I expected), cupcakes (YES), curried almond chicken (yum!), root veggie chips, chicken soup, and curried bacon. I never knew how delicious curried bacon was until I ate some at the Berkshire...it was so good I had to go to the store immediately to buy stuff so I could make my own.

The Goals/Paleo Cooking

There are 3 workouts that we completed the first week of the Paleo Challenge that we will repeat at the end of the challenge, in 8 weeks to see what the new diet (and hard work) can do. 

Our first WOD to redo at the end of the challenge was to row 1000m, do 50 thrusters with 35lbs, and then 30 pullups. I completed this at Rx in 12 minutes and 47 seconds. The pullups definitely were my weakness here, so hopefully I can get faster at those.

Kipping pull-ups

Our second WOD was the CrossFit total, which is to max out on deadlifts, back squats, and shoulder presses. I did 245lbs for the deadlift, 195 for back squats, and 90 for the shoulder press, for a total of 530. I am pleased with this total, aside from the shoulder press. I did 95 one day and haven't been able to do it since, so there's work to be done.

Our third WOD was the filthy fifty: 50 box jumps, 50 jumping pull-ups, 50 lunges, 50 toes to bar, 50 wall balls, 50 burpees, and 50 double unders. This I completed in 34 minutes and 45 seconds (in my opinion, slowly). I hit a wall during this WOD and almost didn't finish. I struggled with double unders, even though I've been doing them fairly well, so I actually did 200 singles instead. Not a shining moment for me, so in 8 weeks it will be much better.





I am in decent shape right now, but my goal is to be in peak condition. Right now I look like this:

Throughout this eight week process, I'm hoping to lose 3-5% more body fat and gain a little bit more muscle. I'm also working on mobility, and have started physical therapy sessions to help with that. After a week of eating Paleo, I have lost almost three pounds, and I do honestly feel good. I am enjoying shopping for and preparing new food, but it's definitely not easy when you get home late and are starving! 

In the past two weeks, I've made many meals at home, including my own protein bars, muffins, hash browns (not potato!), and berry crumble.

Protein bars

Leeks, eggs, and bacon

Strawberry, banana, spinach, almond milk smoothie

Strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and almonds in almond milk (Paleo cereal!)

Leeks, tomato bacon scramble, chicken spinach sausage, and berry crumble

Celery, almond butter, figs (great snack)

Chicken egg drop soup

 

 

I have several more recipes in mind to try in the next few weeks, including my very own jerky! In going through my food journals, I apparently need to switch up my eating pattern and get more good fats and protein at breakfast rather than all later in the day. I haven't missed bread at all, and I've been surviving without my normal coffee. I'm mainly missing candy for my serious sweet tooth, but that seems to be more of a habit than a serious craving. I was very strict for the first week, but I do need (and yes, want) my little cheats here and there. I found that freeze-dried fruit is a great candy substitute, and I'm using very dark chocolate for any baking.  I also found a fruit, coconut milk, and cane sugar sorbet that cures a sweet tooth with a few spoonfuls. Even though that is not strictly Paleo, it's a much better alternative to my typical candy/ice cream/cheesecake I love so dearly. 

All in all, I'm doing all right. I think I've gotten over the initial tiredness of losing the sugar/dense carbs from my diet. It's a process, for sure, and a lifestyle I think I can stay with. I'm eager to see where the next six weeks take me...stay tuned!

New Challenge for a New Year

Let the games begin, if by games you mean the Paleo Challenge. Most CrossFit gyms have Paleo challenges throughout the year, but what better way to start a new year than with a new challenge? For those of you who don't know, the Paleo diet is not a "diet" in the traditional sense, more so the how and what you eat (see link for a Paleo flow chart): a lifestyle. It is a way of eating based on our ancestors, eating primarily meats and vegetables along with some fruits and nuts. The diet excludes dairy, grains, sugars, and anything processed. For me, the elimination of sugars and processed foods makes sense, but the loss of grains and dairy sounded...well...scary! However, I want to know what it feels like to be free of foods that cause most of the general population digestive problems (among other ailments).

So I signed up for the challenge at D-Town. Eight weeks of pure Paleo with food journals, body measurements, photos, and repeated WODs to see how the diet affects our well-being. If nothing else, this is a great excuse for me to eat real meals and actually cook for a change rather than eating pieces of foods and never putting anything together. I realized, when planning out a few grocery lists based on recipes, that I haven't eaten a full meal at home in a very long time. Not to say I don't eat "healthy", but I don't think my diet has ever boosted my energy or made me feel, necessarily, better. I am not really sure, so this is what the eight weeks is for. I want to feel the difference, and see how I perform with the right fuel. If I really feel that good, then I will stick with it and make it my lifestyle.

I invested in a few Paleo cookbooks, cleaned out my pantry/fridge/freezer to get of anything non-Paleo, and started fresh with new food. I'm already happy with the almond or coconut milk and almond or coconut meal for eating and baking. Textures might be different, and I can't simply replace the former dairies and wheats with these items in recipes, but the items I've tried have certainly not lacked in taste. I'm quite excited to try new things and get out of my small corner of the food world. I think the food I will miss the most (and crave the most) during this challenge will be my caramel macchiatos. I think those are laced with drugs: I'm that addicted.

I've already realized you have to plan ahead to maintain the Paleo diet. Otherwise, you'll get hungry and go for the closest thing to you, which will undoubtedly be processed. Over the weekend, I cooked chicken and bacon, made meatballs, baked protein nut bars...

Protein bar

...and filled my fridge with fresh leeks, kale, spinach, jicama, tomatoes, cauliflower, carrots, turnips, beets, spaghetti squash, apples, grapefruit, kiwi, strawberries, blueberries, avocados, green beans, and then beef, chicken, tilapia, eggs, almond milk, almond butter, and a variety of spices. No excuses! We'll see what unfolds from these delicious ingredients.

My Fridge

Almond and Coconut Flour (in bulk) and Cilantro

Tonight I ate a bacon, lettuce, tomato, and avocado burger (and the burger was made with spinach). Whoever thinks Paleo isn't delicious is definitely wrong!

Yum.

 I'll be adding more meals and updates on the progress along the way, so stay tuned!

Why I WOD

Yep. I'm addicted. To CrossFit and every WOD, or for those not CrossFit savvy, Workout of the Day.

Sometimes they (the WODs) make me feel strong. Sometimes they make me feel weak. But they always make me feel good (you know, after the feel like puking/dying bit). I guess that's why I keep going back for more.

I love it. I love hating it. I love the cuts and bruises, the aches and pains, the ripped hands, the weights crashing to the ground when I fail. I even love the frustration because I know that if I keep trying, I'll get it eventually. And I love that there is no end game. There are goals, but no pinnacle. You reach one goal and you just set another. That's my kind of lifestyle. I'm not the type of person to reach a goal and then rest on my laurels. I'm always looking for the next step. Sure, it feels amazing to reach a goal. I'll smile smugly for a little while, but then the next WOD kicks my butt, and I feel weak again and make a goal to work on something else.

My Birthday WOD

Halloween WOD

CrossFit brings out all kinds: lawyers, students, physical therapists, teachers, chefs, people in real estate, finance, military, and the veterinary fields. We are all ages, all stages, but all with the mindset of grinning through the pain and wanting more. It is never easy, but it is never not rewarding. I have never regretted going to a WOD, even on my worst days when I have to convince myself to get up and get moving.

CrossFit is one of the few places where I fit in.

Despite all of our differences, we have more in common than a typical gym group. I enjoy trying new things, but I generally hate looking weak or uncoordinated or downright ridiculous in front of other people, especially a big group. A CrossFit gym is not a place to go to feel comfortable or content or to get the warm and fuzzies or to relax. It's a place to work. CrossFit has made me not care about looking silly anymore. I get so focused on the task at hand that I forget and forgive myself for not being a whiz at new "trick" or new weight. It also helps that everyone is supportive of each other and is willing to share tips and advice. The CrossFitters I've gotten to know are great people.

I've given up other things for CrossFit because of the way it makes me feel. It has made my runs easier, bike rides smoother, rock-climbing more manageable, and given me more endurance snowboarding. It also makes me freakishly hungry and really in need of the right amount of sleep every night, so I'm learning to adapt and give up other things to make sure I am in good shape for the WODs.

Let me tell you though, despite many calling us crazy (at least they do me), it is all worth it.

Remind me that next time I am lying on the ground sweating buckets and gasping for air...

So much to be thankful for

I love this time of year. It's always a whirlwind, and hectic, and stressful...and wonderful. This time of year is for family, for remembering how lucky we are, and for celebrating the joys in life. It's all too easy to forget during the daily grind how many reasons I have to be thankful, so I thought I'd create a list to make sure I don't forget.

This year I am thankful for...
1. My wonderful parents who love and support me no matter what I decide to do.
2. My old friends who stay in touch and stay close even though I am far.
3. The friends I've grown closer to in the past year.
4. The new friends I've made recently at my job, at the gym, and by chance.
5. Trying new things, even if I'm afraid.
6. Sunny, cold days.
7. People who encourage and support me.
8. Nights all to myself.
9. The Pumba, my darling bully with more stubbornness and personality than she can handle.
10. Loving my job.
11. Caramel Apple cupcakes!
12. Getting to know new people.
13. Pain.
14. Cooking blunders, because I know it will be better next time.
15. T. S. Eliot, a true mama's boy.
16. Kind smiles from strangers.
17. Having the ability to take risks.
18. Snow.
19. Getting to see a dear friend get married this year.
20. People trying to cheer me up when I'm down.
21. Knowing if I really needed help, I could get it.
22. Not needing help.
23. Sporadic gatherings. 
24. Being able to be there for clients and their pets.
25. My beautiful little goddaughter.
26. The days I get to hug someone.
27. Crossfit.
28. Random emails from friends that make me laugh.
29. The little moments of contentment I get.
30. Understanding that contentment is not my style (and accepting that).
31. Thinking I might be ready to trust someone again.
32. Politeness.
33. Feeling comfortable in not knowing the answers.
34. People who put forth effort, even when it's difficult or they don't want to.
35. Making tough decisions that I know are right.
36. Healthy debates that provoke deeper thinking.
37. Simple and unnecessary thank yous.
38. Remembering that a small thank you can go a long way.
39. Having options and choices.
40. New challenges.
41. Feeling the healthiest I have in years.
42. Having outlets for frustrations.
43. Realizing my frustrations are at least good ones to have.
44. Crushes that make me giddy/red-faced.
45. Living in the most beautiful state.
46. Those who protect others.
47. Feeling safe.
48. Failure, because it reminds me to keep pushing.
49. A warm bed after a long day.
50. Knowing I have so much more to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Hope you are all with loved ones and making each day count!

A grown-up revelation

I think I've had a grown-up revelation. About marriage and its purpose.

Now, I've never been necessarily for or against marriage. I suppose I've just never worried about it too much. Or else I thought it might be nice, but didn't really think about why.  But I now have so many friends who are married or getting married or at least in very serious relationships, and I can't help but be a little bit jealous. Not in a scathing way, or a bitter way at all, but in a, now I see what I should hold out for and what it can be way.

Life is such a cantankerous, ever-changing thing. It's always moving, always throwing me for a loop, and never stopping for a break to make sure I'm okay.  I think the purpose of marriage is to find some consistency in this inconsistent world. That one person you can always count on in both good and bad times, to be there with you, and you for him. We are such creatures of habit that we cling to the non-changing when everything starts to flip upside down. When you have that one thing that is consistent, it makes it a lot easier to accept change and adapt to it (at least I think so).

I know marriages end. Things happen (change, or in some cases don't when you expected them to). But that still doesn't mean you can't look for the thing that remains the same. And this is not to say relationships don't change within themselves, but the goal is to change together, keeping the foundation the same, and I can now see how important that can be.

So to all of my wonderfully happy, committed friends: take care to truly appreciate what you have and know how special it is.  You are all examples of what anyone could be lucky enough to have.

How I've Spent My Summer Un-Vacation.

Obviously, I have been busy. Busy is an understatement. Since my last blog, I have completed the Warrior Dash, The Buffalo Creek Trail Run, the Bolder Boulder, the Dipsea, and the Tough Mudder. Obviously, I survived since I'm able to write this post.

I will tell you, the experience of running the Dipsea was incredible, but in Colorado we have equally beautiful trails, so I guess I'm a little spoiled. I'm still happy I got to run it. I didn't really know what to do with myself while I was there. I'm not much of a site-seer, and couldn't stand to be engulfed in teh city for more than a few hours anyways. I rattled around in my head and read a lot, which was a nice break. I'd like to do it again, but maybe in a few years.

The best part of my summer so far has been the Tough Mudder. Most people think I'm crazy for doing it. Others just don't understand why.

For me, entering the Tough Mudder was about challenging myself. I feel like I am challenged on a regular basis at work with problem-solving and just keeping up with everything. But I don't think I challenge myself physically enough, and I've been working hard to change that. I love my personal training sessions for that reason: it's challenging. The Tough Mudder was a chance to see what I really could do; it was both a physical and mental challenge. The course in Colorado was at the Beaver Creek slopes: 9 miles with an elevation change of 4250 feet and 23 obstacles along the way. Let's just say that the easiest obstacle was carrying a log on my shoulder for half a mile. At one point I jokingly said, "What, are we on black diamond trails or something?" We were. The event was also a showing of camaraderie. Even those in it alone were helped out and helped others as well. No one is out for himself and himself alone, much like going into battle I'd assume. It was really an amazing thing to experience.

Completing this was about conquering fears and pushing myself beyond limits I thought I had. I am very proud that I did this event. I am proud of the scars and my orange headband, and will definitely do it again. I do have a slight fear of getting shocked now...the electric wires at the end knocked me unconscious briefly and sent me flying. Also burned through the mud and singed my skin a bit. Eek!
TM Photos
Aftermath
Official Photos of the Electroshock Therapy Obstacle, go to page 217 (I'm the flailing person at the end of the page).

Not only did I have the opportunity to exceed my own expectations, but I got to do it in the name of a great cause, the Wounded Warrior Project. This nonprofit aides injured service men and women by providing care and helping inform the public about the need for special care for returning servicemen. I'm hoping next year I can do an actual fundraiser for the event to raise money past my entry fee.

Now I'm done with racing and events until the end of August. My body needs some rest and time to rebuild my endurance, which, unlike most runners, I lose in the summer rather than the winter. I am having a hard time getting out on my runs in the heat we've been having. I used to run early in the morning, but now when I try I have no energy and feel very sluggish. I need to eat before I run, which means I have to have time to digest, which means by the time I can get out there it's too hot (for me). I'll likely stick to shorter runs and longer hikes until things cool down. That's where you'll find me in my precious spare time for the rest of summer...

One down, six to go...

One race, that is. Yes, I'm turning this back into my running blog since I am obviously hard-pressed to write about anything much these days.

Between yesterday (April 23rd) and June 26th, I have seven races I'm in, and I started off with the Boulder Distance Classic 15k at the Boulder Reservoir. I have not raced in about eight months. Last summer I did my first half-marathon, but then the heat and drama of the year got to me, and I didn't really keep up with my previously strict running schedule.

BUT. I'm back and stronger than I was last year...I think. I've been upping the weights and trying to diversify my types of endurance training. So I decided to sign up for the Boulder Distance Classic to jump right in. Mind you, this is the longest race I'm signed up for until I do another half-marathon in August. At 9.3 miles, I figured it would be a good leg stretch and a test to see if my endurance level is up to snuff. Of course, it was snowing in Boulder for the race, and it did snow the entire race and stayed at 32 degrees...but I prefer cold to hot any day. I wore my Bikila LS shoes, and was originally dismayed with my choice because of the cold and the wet ground. Then I reasoned that shoes with socks would still have gotten wet and stayed that way (and heavy). I also cut up a pair of compression socks so I could wear the legs without the feet.

Surprisingly, I was not overly nervous for this race. I was just cold and wanting to get moving. My main goal was to just pace myself and finish strong. It took me a good two miles to get warmed up, as in to stop shivering, but then I found my pace and forced myself to ignore the other runners. I always have to remind myself that I'm not truly in competition with them. This is for me. So when others pass me, I have to fight the urge to speed up. By the time I got to the first 5k split, I felt great and saw that I was under my typical 5k pace and wasn't tired at all. I purposefully didn't memorize the course so that I could not worry about where I was and pay more attention to my pace. The hills were there, but they were fairly easy. I appreciated the course's rolling quality: it served as a good practice run for me. By the 10k mark, I was still moving easily and feeling good (and surprised about it!). A few more hills started to wind me slightly, but I caught my breath quickly. I didn't get any side stitches...until mile 9 (of course), but I got rid of those by stretching as I ran along. When the finish line was in site, I was able to stretch out and sprint over the timing strip with ease. What I didn't realize was that there was a timer to cross BEFORE the actual finish line, so I stopped up a tad early (oops!).

My finishing time was about an hour and a half, well under the 10 minute miles I had wanted to achieve. In fact, my separate 5k times were nearly equal, so I did maintain a steady pace nearly the whole time. It took me zero time to recover (breathing wise). All this said, I could have easily pushed the pace, especially at the end, but I'm pleasantly surprised by the outcome of the race. I truly did not think I had it in me to do the whole race (and so easily). I've been tired lately, so I had expected a much slower time. Guess my training is paying off. Now I need to work on more hills and sprints so that I can get my time down.

After some ice and a hot tub session, I'm not really sore today, so that's a plus as well. I'll post pics as soon as they are available.

As for the rest of my upcoming races...

I have the Furry Scurry on May 7th. Since it's a two mile fun run,  I'm only counting it as a "race" because I'm actually organizing our team for work, so it's taking up a lot of head-space (rather than training space).

Then I'm taking a trip to Georgia where I'll be competing in the Warrior Dash on May 15th with my love JLL. This is a three mile race with 12 obstacles, including mud pits, cargo nets, walls to climb, and a fire leap. We're going to kick some butt! I'm very excited to get muddy. This one will be another good leg stretch to prep for the next few...

Fire leap: image by Steve's digicams

After the Warrior Dash, I'll kick it up a notch and run the Buffalo Creek Trail Run on May 21st. This one is a trail race that is 7.7 miles that climbs 1300 feet with a variety of uphill and downhill terrain.

I'm also running the Bolder Boulder again this year on Memorial Day (May 30th). This is a challenging 10k (uphill for the first few miles, and then a final uphill at the last stretch) that has over 50,000 runners each year. I ran it for the first time last year and had a blast, so I'm going for it again, and this time I'll be in an even better wave (yea!). 

THEN...

If you didn't already know...on June 12th, I'm running the DIPSEA, a 7.4 mile trail race in Mill Valley, CA. Last year, around this time, I read about the race in Runner's World magazine, and decided I wanted to run it. The chances were slim, and I figured I'd just keep trying every year to get in. Somehow, I lucked out and made it in this year! One of less than 100 people running from outside California. One of 1500 total who gets to run in the country's oldest trail running race. I'm still floating from finding my name on the LIST. This race will be one of the coolest things I will probably ever get to do, and I'm going to make the most of it! I already have my flight and hotel, so I'm all set. I can't describe how excited I am to have this opportunity. It's u n f r e a k i n g r e a l.

Ending at the Pacific Ocean

Last, but not least, I am competing in the Tough Mudder at Beaver Creek. Team BlackIce is going to dominate. Okay...actually we're just hoping to finish. This race is on June 26th, and for that I am glad. This way, if I do something stupid and get injured, all of my other races are behind me. The Tough Mudder is an eight mile race at the ski resorts at Beaver Creek, and there are 23 obstacles between the start and finish, including (but not limited to) running up a ski slope, sliding down an icy/muddy ravine, burrowing through tunnels, climbing walls, and barreling through hanging live-wires. The race is not even timed. It's all about finishing, and finish it I will. It's scary, but I'm already itching to dive in there.

Weeee!!!

So that's my schedule for the next two months. You know where I'll be...running, training, climbing crazy hills, etc. So. Very. Worth. It.

Wish me luck! And of course, I'll be updating on here along the way.

Movies!

So basically I'm reposting the blog I just did on books with movies instead. At least maybe this will jumpstart me actually writing again...I swear it will happen :-)


* 1 – best movie you saw last year
Inception and Little Miss Sunshine (yes I only saw LMS for the first time last year).

* 2 – A movie that you’ve watched more than 3 times last year
If I get stuck on a movie, I'll watch it multiple times in a row. I watched Away We Go three times before I sent it back to Netflix. And then I bought it.

* 3 – Your favorite movie series
Oh dear. Well...most series have a way of letting you down at the end, but I do like the Pirates of the Caribbean series (mostly),  and Back to the Future (the first two at least).

* 4 – Favorite movie of your favorite series
The first Pirates of the Caribbean. Why's the rum gone!?

* 5 – A movie that makes you happy
Oh so many since good movies make me happy...but some just make me smile like Little Miss Sunshine, Away We Go, the Birdcage, and the Seabiscuit.

* 6 – A movie that makes you sad
I am okay with watching a movie and feeling sad, in fact, often it means it is worth seeing, so Children of Men and Rachel Getting Married.

* 7 – Most underrated movie
Probably Lars and the Real Girl and Rachel Getting Married. I don't think enough people saw these and appreciated them. 
 
* 8 – Most overrated movie
Avatar...Pass.
 
* 9 – A movie you thought you wouldn’t like but ended up loving 
Love Actually. I thought it would be a gooey love story, but it was more realistic and had wonderful characters and humor.

* 10 – Favorite classic movie
Hmm...classic movie. I'll go with Hitchcock's Rear Window.

* 11 – A movie you hated
The Ring. I fell asleep...in the theater...I was that bored.
 
* 12 – A movie you used to love but don’t anymore
I used to adore the Pippi Longstocking movies, but now I find them incredibly annoying.

* 13 – Your favorite writer
Robert Altman, thanks to a film class in college.

* 14 – Favorite movie of your favorite writer
Gosford Park. It's brilliant.

* Day 15 – Favorite male character
Wow. I adore many characters, but for various reasons and usually based on the fact that I love the story too. I'll have to say Lt. John Dunbar from Dances With Wolves.

* Day 16 – Favorite female character
I'll go with the most interesting to me...and that would be Alabama in True Romance because she was both meek and strong, seductive and innocent, and ended up saving the day in the end.

* 17 – Favorite quote from your favorite movie
Well...I don't have a favorite movie, but I do adore this quote said by Maggie Gyllenhaal's character in Away We Go: "I LOVE my babies. Why would I want to PUSH them away from me?"

* 18 – A movie that disappointed you
I had high hopes for the newest Indiana Jones movie...but boy was it terrible :-(

* 19 – Favorite movie that was originally a book
Atonement was a good movie that was a book as well. Jurassic Park as well, oh and A Clockwork Orange!

* 20 – Favorite romance movie
Love story...has to be Love Actually.

* 21 – Favorite movie from your childhood
The Little Mermaid!

* 22 – Favorite movie you own
Oh dear...there are too many. I own every movie I've mentioned so far...so there you have it.

* 23 – A movie you wanted to see for a long time but still haven’t
I really want to see Rocket Science, but I've put my poor Netflix on hold since I haven't had time to watch movies lately. At least not under pressure to get them returned!
 
* 24 – A movie that you wish more people would’ve seen
Heathers. Seriously? Who hasn't seen Heathers? But apparently it's a lot of people! Also the Man From Snowy River.

* 25 – A character who you can relate to the most
Oh boy...I really don't know. Please feel free to let me know what you think...male or female!

* 26 – A movie that changed your opinion about something
Um...well Catch Me If You Can changed my opinion from disliking Leonardo Dicaprio to liking him.

* 27 – The most surprising plot twist or ending
Saw. I mean really. Who saw that coming?

* 28 – Favorite title
Ordinary People.

* 29 – A movie everyone hated but you liked
Dances with Wolves. I love that movie...I don't understand why more people don't.

* 30 – Your favorite movie of all time
Impossible to choose. But the title that has most affected me the most in the recent past is Rachel Getting Married.

Books!

Oh hello blog, how are you? I don't have much to say these days, but thanks to a certain someone for sending this my way so I could actually do a blog post :-) 


Books are some of my best friends...

* 1 – best book you read last year
Hm...that would have to be Spook...a wonderfully told story of someone trying to find something to believe in.


* 2 – A book that you’ve read more than 3 times
I reread all of my books many, many times, which is why I prefer buying them over borrowing. A few that I've reread the most (we're talking 100+ times) include the Giver, Dicey's Song, the Awakening, and Silver.


* 3 – Your favorite series
As a child I loved the Thoroughbred series, but now I don't tend to read series of books so much. I suppose the last series I read was not really a series, but more of a saga about a family (the Tillermans) by Cynthia Voigt.


* 4 – Favorite book of your favorite series
That would be Homecoming.

* 5 – A book that makes you happy
I'm happy reading, so any book I enjoy. I don't tend to read happily ever after tales. But let's say As You Like It.


* 6 – A book that makes you sad
If I don't feel for the characters, it's not a good book. But we'll say After the Rain and Interpreter of Maladies.


* 7 – Most underrated book
Oh gosh...I don't tend to read "popular" stuff anyways, so I don't know if it would be underrated or not. Let's say Emily Dickinson's whole collection of poetry. It was underrated in her time at least.


* 8 – Most overrated book 
That I've actually read? Probably Midnight's Children. It wasn't Rushdie's best. 
 

* 9 – A book you thought you wouldn’t like but ended up loving 
Gravity's Rainbow. It was a rocky, rough, and painful start, but I got sucked in and finished it quickly.

* 10 – Favorite classic book
Ohhhh....classics. Has to be the Catcher in the Rye and Wuthering Heights.


* 11 – A book you hated
The Great Gatsby. UGH!!!!


 * 12 – A book you used to love but don’t anymore
Hm. It's hard to unlove a book, so I'm going to do the reverse and list a book that I didn't like the first time I read it (or second) but now I love, and that is Brave New World.


* 13 – Your favorite writer
Oh so many...I literally can't choose one. But we'll say T.S. Eliot, Emily Dickinson, Oscar Wilde, and Paul Auster.


* 14 – Favorite book of your favorite writer
In the Country of Last Things by Paul Auster. I've read it five times now...it's better each time.


* Day 15 – Favorite male character
Hm. I don't tend to attach to characters: I attach to the story...but for the sake of the post: Dorian Gray.


* Day 16 – Favorite female character
Dicey in Homecoming.


* 17 – Favorite quote from your favorite book
Again, too many to track, but I particularly like: "I would give up the unessential; I would give my money, I would give my life for my children; but I wouldn't give myself. I can't make it more clear; it's only something which I am beginning to comprehend, which is revealing itself to me." ~from the Awakening

* 18 – A book that disappointed you
I really wanted to like the Harry Potter series. But I barely got through the first one and couldn't take any more. Oh well!


* 19 – Favorite book turned into a movie
Gosh. So many books turned into movies...but most are crappy versions! I loved Oil, but hated There Will Be Blood. However,  I liked Jurassic Park and love the movie.


* 20 – Favorite romance book
Well. Let's go with love story, and that would be Wuthering Heights.


* 21 – Favorite book from your childhood
Oh dear...toughest question yet! How about the Giving Tree, Silver Eyes, Remember Me, Izzy Willy-Nilly, and all sorts of horse books.

* 22 – Favorite book you own
The Giver.


* 23 – A book you wanted to read for a long time but still haven’t
I want to read the Stranger, by Albert Camus, and the Wilding by Benjamin Percy.

* 24 – A book that you wish more people would’ve read
The Wedding Dress by Fanny Howe.


* 25 – A character who you can relate to the most
Probably Dicey in Seventeen Against the Dealer.

* 26 – A book that changed your opinion about something
The Jungle.


* 27 – The most surprising plot twist or ending
The Dark Garden.


* 28 – Favorite title
On Bullshit.


* 29 – A book everyone hated but you liked
Well. I know I keep repeating titles, but I don't know many people who are in love with the Awakening the way I am.


* 30 – Your favorite book of all time
Impossible to choose. But the title that has most affected me is the Giver. 

"A book is a gift you can open again and again."

Love Fest

I am ill-prepared for this. This kind of...haunting. I say haunting because to me that word means a lingering feeling that does not manifest or become tangible, but it's noticeably there, like an invisible hand on my shoulder. I am haunted by a variety of complex love. It's almost painful to love like this and still have more to give.

I love my life.

I love the endless things that make me happy.

I love...

1. Waking up to a snow-covered morning.
2. Being the first one on a trail for the day.
3. Blue sky.
4. Fresh-baked banana nut muffins.
5. Random, I'm thinking about you texts.
6. Singing in the car.
7. The smell of a horse's muzzle.
8. The feeling of skin after a sugar scrub.
9. Back rubs.
10. Smoke curling out of chimneys.
11. Grey sweaters.
12. <3
13. Knowing the mountains are west, whether I can see them or not.
14. Smooth plane landings.
15. Caramel macchiatos.
16. Moccasins.
17. Clinking of masts on the lake.
18. The texture of book pages.
19. Soup and a warm baguette.
20. Fixing something with my own hands.
21. Pausing to enjoy the moment.
22. Bathing suits.
23. Sentimental knick-knacks.
24. The smell of pine trees.
25. Holidays.
26. Baby animals.

27. Blankets.
28. Bear hugs.
29. Watching break-dancing.
30. When Pumba bird-calls.
31. A healthy argument.
32. Weird bruises.
33. Nice people.
34. Finding my way.
35. Real movies, with endings that simply taper off rather than tie everything up.
36. Waterfalls.

37. Kissing.
38. Cupcakes.
39. Cards in the mail.
40. Healing wounds.
41. Fuji apples.
42. Board games.
43. Being obsessed with a song, and listening to it on repeat.
44. Flirting.
45. Righting a wrong.
46. Enjoying being lost.
47. Short dresses.
48. Being sore after a workout.
49. Remembering wisps of a dream.
50. Great-fitting jeans.
51. When it's cold, so I can get warm.
52. Affligem Blond.
53. Trusting someone.
54. Finding friends for life.
55. Horses running.
56. Re-reading childhood books.
57. Making someone smile.
58. Stone bridges.
59. Over-sized easy chairs.
60. Feeling as if you matter.
61. Sudden rainstorms.
62. The Giver.

63. Ridiculously soft sheets.
64. Cribbage.
65. Writing a particularly good sentence.
66. Black and white photos.
67. Contradictions.
68. Sailing.
69. First stretches of the morning.
70. Fire opals.
71. Garlic Parmesan fries.
72. Winning.
73. Songs that make you feel.
74. Sunrise.
75. Being tired for a good reason.
76. Wordplay.
77. Connections.
78. Snowflakes on eyelashes.
79. Schaudenfraude when deserved.
80. Roses.

81. Bombing jokes.
82. Being able to believe, just because.
83. Ryan Reynolds.
84. The idea of reincarnation.
85. Madrid.
86. Giving into a craving.
87. Old English.
88. Cute boys.
89. Secrets.
90. Having my hair brushed of my forehead.
91. Italian accents.
92. Overcoming a fear.
93. That's what she said.
94. The number 17.
95. Deja vu.
96. Feeling powerful.
97. Hot tubs.
98. Shakespeare.
99. Smiling when alone.
100. Laughing out loud.
101. ...and so many more...

New year, new...

Helloooo 2011.

What is the significance of a new year? It's just more days, laid out, one after another, same as before but always different. It's an excuse in the horizon..."this year I'll..." and having to remember to write another set of digits at the end of a date that we're not used to.

But I suppose with a new year, you can officially label all things of the previous year in the past. Last year is so much further in the past than yesterday, or last week, or last month. Last year sounds more foreign, and the events of such smear together. Of course, there are always those events that still stick out and play repeatedly in your mind, sometimes annoyingly so. 2010 gave me quite a few of these memories, both good and bad, but I'm taking them all as good. At least, I am now!

2010 highlights:
*Getting out of a bad relationship: even though I still regret I didn't get to pull the plug.
*Starting a new job that I love and plan to stick with for a long time. It's a relief to not dread going to work every day, and even though there will always be rough days, the times where I get to make a difference (cheesy as that sounds) give me the energy to keep going.
*Running a 5k, a 10k, and then a half-marathon within two months of each other. I think the half-marathon suits me!
*Figuring out what I want out of life. Certain aches make me realize what is most important to me, and now I can set my sights on making sure I fulfill these needs.
*Getting Toby back in shape and back to jumping: riding is true therapy for me.
*Realizing that I have an amazing group of friends. Both here and elsewhere, my eclectic bunch of friends are truly family to me, and it's exciting to be gaining more.

2011 plans:
*Running at least three half-marathons this year.
*Hopefully getting picked to run the Dipsea in California.
*Re-writing my novel: last year's schedule got supremely upset by events and reorganization, but I'm set to be back on track now.
*Spending more time with my amazing friends and remembering that I enjoy being non-reclusive more often that I realize.
*Fully embracing my new job as a career, and doing my best to make us top notch.
*Taking more risks and challenges aside from the every day: ie not being afraid to fail.

So there you go readers. If you see me slacking off, call me out on it!

<3 to all,

E

Friendship

It feels like only a few days ago that I realized Christmas was a month away. And...now it's gone? I can't even distinguish individual events from that past month: only frames, cut from the film on auto-play. I've had the pleasure of hanging out with friends every weekend and some during the week. Sometimes I forget how fun (not to mention healthy and stimulating) that can be. My friends have really gotten me through a roller coaster of a year. It's easy to forget how important they are, but when you need them, and they come running, it reminds you just how much you need them. And I happen to have the most incredible group of friends that I've picked up over the years.

I have my other half, my go to for everything, without whom I'd not be me. She's mad for me when I can't be, always tells me what she really thinks, is the mother of my beautiful goddaughter, and wife to someone I consider family. I can tell her absolutely anything, no matter how horrid.

There's my ever-optimistic, practical dreamer, who could have the worst day and still come home smiling. She knows how to enjoy life, how to listen, and how to be there for a friend in need.

My melancholy kindred spirit I miss dearly. The most understanding and quiet character, but with a temper that rivals the Furies.

I have another breed of kindred spirit who seems to see me for who I am. He has a relaxed confidence and the enviable quality of not caring what people think, but in a way that isn't egotistical or selfish.

My yearning artist, head in the clouds, feet on the ground. He is always up for a though-provoking discussion and has a whip of a sense of humor. 

There's the quizzical intellect, more determined that anyone I've met, but yet, will drop it all to help a friend in need. He never asks for anything from anyone, but will give without hesitation.

If there ever were still waters that run deep, then she swims them daily. She has more brains and talent than she knows what to do with and is both perceptive and thoughtful. 

I also have a newer friend, growing moreso a friend as the days pass. She is a balance of artistic and grounded, introspective and extroverted, and more importantly is a complete delight to converse with.

And then there are my latest additions, new and still developing, but what a lot they are. Different backgrounds, different goals, but shared interest. These I hope to foster and keep.

I'm lucky to have each one of these people in my life, not to mention all of those who come with them and many more I've encountered. Never before have I felt so welcome amongst groups of people.

I don't know where I'd be without my friends. I can't quite express how much they each mean to me, but I can offer my thanks and hope to be as good a friend to them as they are to me.

It's that time of year again?

Holy crapping reindeer! Christmas is once again, just a few weeks away. I missed Thanksgiving...not really sure what went on there, but it just slipped right by me. As has much these past few weeks, well months really. I feel like I'm in the middle of a hurricane personified. My to-do list is growing, but I can't seem to get things checked off fast enough.

I did finally start my Christmas shopping (now I say finally because last year I was done at the beginning of November...and by done I mean I didn't have to shop anymore...but that never stops me). A lot of things just fell into place on that particular list this year, but I'm still debating over some other stuff. I wandered through the mall, and let me tell you how much it sucked to see stuff to get for someone who is no longer in my life. Dammit! It make me convulse in anger. I am still so, so angry. I guess that's why when a friend wanted me to meet one of his friends, I said no. Have anger, will not travel.

Despite that, I'm making lists of things I want to cook and marking my calendar for dates when my family will visit and when I'll get together with some old friends. This is the only time of year when a city is appealing to me because the lights outline the buildings and wreathes are on every streetlamp and the smell of fires and cinnamon and ginger is in the air. And snow dusts the ground...right? Hear that Colorado? I said SNOW dusts the ground? Where are we on that?

Now that I've said that it will probably blizzard...or else go back to the 70s out of spite. Oh well. I'll take what I can get.

I have not decorated yet. This was my first weekend in six weeks that I was not only off of work, but alone. Not that I didn't adore having company (I did!!!), but that combined with weeks of working 6 or 7 days while trying to keep up with rest and such really did me in. I haven't had time lately to be alone and in my own thought. It's been a great distraction, but I feel like I've forgotten how to be alone and comfortable in my own thoughts, and I really need to get back to enjoying listening to myself think (in the least narcissistic way possible). I've worn myself out for the past few months to keep from thinking too much, but it's time to get back to it. Even reading my blogs from earlier in the year or last year, I can hear the difference in my thought pattern. My thoughts then were freer, more contemplative, whereas currently they are scattered and existing in the now, as I scramble to hang onto it all.

See? Here I was talking about Christmas and then I'm just rambling about my internal diatribe...which has been oddly colorful lately (I usually think/dream in black and white)...
...back to Christmas...

I read the most wonderful quote about Christmas:

Christmas Eve was the time when everybody was unselfish. On that one night, Santa Claus was everywhere, because everybody, all together, stopped being selfish and wanted other people to be happy. And in the morning you saw what that had done.

To me, that's what Christmas is about...what great big things can happen when people come together. If I ever have a child, I will surely read them this bit (and a beer or cupcake to anyone who can tell me what that quote is from).

image from warwickwa.com

Get ready for some more Christmasy posts to follow, and please enjoy the season! It's just not worth being crabby about it.