It's that time of year again?

Holy crapping reindeer! Christmas is once again, just a few weeks away. I missed Thanksgiving...not really sure what went on there, but it just slipped right by me. As has much these past few weeks, well months really. I feel like I'm in the middle of a hurricane personified. My to-do list is growing, but I can't seem to get things checked off fast enough.

I did finally start my Christmas shopping (now I say finally because last year I was done at the beginning of November...and by done I mean I didn't have to shop anymore...but that never stops me). A lot of things just fell into place on that particular list this year, but I'm still debating over some other stuff. I wandered through the mall, and let me tell you how much it sucked to see stuff to get for someone who is no longer in my life. Dammit! It make me convulse in anger. I am still so, so angry. I guess that's why when a friend wanted me to meet one of his friends, I said no. Have anger, will not travel.

Despite that, I'm making lists of things I want to cook and marking my calendar for dates when my family will visit and when I'll get together with some old friends. This is the only time of year when a city is appealing to me because the lights outline the buildings and wreathes are on every streetlamp and the smell of fires and cinnamon and ginger is in the air. And snow dusts the ground...right? Hear that Colorado? I said SNOW dusts the ground? Where are we on that?

Now that I've said that it will probably blizzard...or else go back to the 70s out of spite. Oh well. I'll take what I can get.

I have not decorated yet. This was my first weekend in six weeks that I was not only off of work, but alone. Not that I didn't adore having company (I did!!!), but that combined with weeks of working 6 or 7 days while trying to keep up with rest and such really did me in. I haven't had time lately to be alone and in my own thought. It's been a great distraction, but I feel like I've forgotten how to be alone and comfortable in my own thoughts, and I really need to get back to enjoying listening to myself think (in the least narcissistic way possible). I've worn myself out for the past few months to keep from thinking too much, but it's time to get back to it. Even reading my blogs from earlier in the year or last year, I can hear the difference in my thought pattern. My thoughts then were freer, more contemplative, whereas currently they are scattered and existing in the now, as I scramble to hang onto it all.

See? Here I was talking about Christmas and then I'm just rambling about my internal diatribe...which has been oddly colorful lately (I usually think/dream in black and white)...
...back to Christmas...

I read the most wonderful quote about Christmas:

Christmas Eve was the time when everybody was unselfish. On that one night, Santa Claus was everywhere, because everybody, all together, stopped being selfish and wanted other people to be happy. And in the morning you saw what that had done.

To me, that's what Christmas is about...what great big things can happen when people come together. If I ever have a child, I will surely read them this bit (and a beer or cupcake to anyone who can tell me what that quote is from).

image from warwickwa.com

Get ready for some more Christmasy posts to follow, and please enjoy the season! It's just not worth being crabby about it.

Erin-truths

So I got bored and took some online quizzes. Sue me. But these are rather true. Happy Turkey Day!

Your Brain is Conceptual

You can't help but look at the big picture. You're good at putting things together. You think long term. You always have a vision for the future and an idea of how you want things to be. You are a very intuitive person. Even though you are constantly thinking, it feels like answers just appear for you. You enjoy a challenge, especially an intellectual one. You are constantly taking the initiative and pushing yourself.

What's Your Brain Like?

Blogthings: A Fine Line Between Insight and Stupidity

       

Your Home is Healthy

You believe it's important to take good care of yourself, and your home probably reflects your healthy lifestyle. You are likely to have a refrigerator full of fresh food and bookcase full of engaging books. You have a lot of fun in life, but your idea of fun is pretty unique. Working out and learning are fun for you. You could never feel at home in a sloppy or neglected house. You like to keep things upbeat and tidy.

The Homebody Test

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

       

You Are A Thoughtful Idealist

You are a bit tentative when it comes to new experiences. You have to push yourself to try new things, but once you do, you love the adventure. You like to think that people see you as intellectual and wise. You consider yourself to be very smart. You are a very romantic person. You can't help but see the world as it should be. Right now, you feel very trapped in your life. You often feel like there is no way out of your rut. Overall, your life is very peaceful - if not a little solitary. Much of what goes on goes on in your head. You feel like the fate of the future partially rests in your hands. You believe you need to help make the world a better place.

The Castle Personality Test

Blogthings: Waste Time at Work!

       

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything. You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life. You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you. Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace. You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life. Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you. You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others. You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

What Temperament Are You?

Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

       

So that's what it's like...

Tonight was the first time I've felt true gratitude from a job.

I've enjoyed my new job from day one, from the people to the purpose, but it wasn't until today that I truly felt like this is what I should be doing.  No, it's not glamorous, and yes, there are plenty of seemingly trivial or annoying duties I have to take care of. Yes, there are people who frustrate me and situations that make me cringe or make me angry and sad.

But this week I've been conversing with a client who has been trying everything imaginable to get his dog healthy again. He's seen specialists, spent quite a bit of money, and thought of the possibility that none of it would help his dog. I decided to give him a call tonight to check in and see how his dog was doing, and after a few updates, he thanked me profusely for calling and said "you guys are the best." I know the comment was not directed specifically at me, but it made my day to know that I helped someone feel a little bit better about his tough pet situation. I guess it really hit me because my pets are so important to me, and I know how I'd feel in his situation. I literally hung up the phone and burst into tears, partially out of gratefulness, partially out of sympathy, and partially out of feeling like I made a tiny difference.

It's amazing that something as simple as that makes my job completely worthwhile and fulfilling. I'm going to remember this when days get rough...or rather, ruff :-)

Wet little feet now cross my threshold

It wouldn’t have been true if she didn’t think it were. But she did, and so it was.

It was as true as a first snow, softly blanketing her mind and coating it in coldness. There is something so final about a first snow, perhaps because it signals the officiality of winter. No matter what time of year, when it snows, the season defaults to winter.

So when he told her, she believed him.

It was snowing that day.

Thank you snow...the anticipation is now at rest.

my mountains: my home

I don't know what my obsession with a home is lately. Things have been so foggy lately, and I keep bumping into metaphorical shapes in this density. Every time one thing gets settled, another is lost. I suppose this is just how it goes, but I'm almost desperate for something solid. I feel like I'm missing a place that I can feel completely at ease and removed from the outside world, and I need this to counteract the burning of all candles on all ends. It's what I do. I don't understand how to live any other way: I've tried, but with little success. I'll rest when I'm dead I guess.

When I'm bumping around into shapes in the fog, I can always tell when I run into the mountains. They're too big to mistake for anything else, and it's comforting to have a boundary.

The mountains make me feel small and remind me how unimportant a lot of the things I worry about are. On the reverse, the mountains also make me think of the little things that do matter. It only takes one small pebble to start a rock slide, or one little shift in ground to cause an avalanche. It's a reminder that one act on my part (good or bad) could have a much greater impact than anticipated on anyone in the vicinity of the action.

One of my favorite spots in the Flatirons overlooking Boulder

I never get tired of looking at the mountains. They're like a moving stream, always changing, but always the same. That consistency reminds me to breathe. In our busy lives, it's easy to forget to open your eyes and enjoy life. I know I race around all week and then spend the weekend recovering. One of my goals for next year (starting now) is to take time out to enjoy life a little more. I do love my busy life, but I often forget to enjoy my surroundings, my friends, my mountains. 

Any time I leave this state and my mountains, I itch to return. When I drive home, west towards the mountains, I can breathe out and feel as though I have a place that is mine, where I fit in. It's inexplicable, but somehow there is a contented sigh that runs through me when I take the time to lift my head and stare out into the mountains. Perhaps it has something to do with the people I've met here, how I've grown here, and what I've become. But it feels as if it all has to do with this thin air and towering rocks I know are there, regardless of whether or not I can see them. It's the same feeling of knowing your closest friends are there for you, no matter what.

The mountains remind me of this, my wonderful family and friends, both here and there.

<3

I see my mountains, and I know I'm home.